Sheep may no longer safely graze

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DEAR UNCLE OCTAVIUS

PIPERS’ PROBLEM PAGE

Double Trouble.
I have a strange effect in the common drone stock of my E.M.S. Praetorius bagpipes. It is try to play both drones at once, the vibrating air from one seems to disturb the other. I have tried several reeds in both without improvement. Sketch below of the drone arrangement.
The other trouble is with the chanter on a set of Scottish small pipes made by Grainger and Campbell. These play in the key of D (a little flat usually) with a bassoon reed. I suspect incorrectly placed or sized finger holes. The trouble is 4 of 5th holes and 8 (5th hole) numbered from the bottom, which play almost one semi-tone sharp. I’ve been playing these for nearly thirty plastic tape over the tops of the holes to flatten these two notes. Different reeds make no improvement, and I’d either like to alter the holes, or have a new chanter made, which tunes properly (G & C no longer makes them). If any of your members would undertake these alterations, or be willing to duplicate my existing chanter with properly placed holes in African blackwood and ivory sole, I’d be anxious to hear from them.
Al Saguto,
First of all, let me say that I am only glancingly familiar with the E.H.S. instrument, so cannot give any advice based on direct experience of it. However there must be many members with sets who may have come up against this problem and have discovered how to sort it out, so let’s hear from them. In the meantime, I can make a few general comments. This annoying phenomenon occasionally crops up with common drone stocks, and is also known to occur with certain designs of chanter/drone stocks as used in Central France. In my experience it seems to be related to the volume of air contained in the stock. For example, stocks of tile type used on Border or Loth pipes, where the stock is hollowed out behind the sockets for the drone tenons, seem to be free of the problem. Such stocks are also sometimes constructed by long straight through for each drone, thus each drone would effectively have a separate feed from the bag; this arrangement is also not susceptible to interference. The smaller the volume in which reeds is regulated to operate, the greater will be the change above and below ambient pressure in response to the compressor/compression cycle produced by the vibrating reed. Mutual coupling (interference) is therefore likely to occur where a common stock has a relatively small internal volume; a reduction in bore area, by contrast and the bag is likely to make matters worse, since it would tend to make it more difficult for the air in the stock to stand at ambient bag pressure. Assuming that you have strictly followed the instructions on the kit as to the construction of the stock, the remaining approach is to experiment with the reeds. Intuitively I would have thought that a stiffer reed is less likely to be affected by mutual coupling. The resonant frequency of a drone reed is a function of the mass and stiffness of the tongue. The size of the reed must also be matched to the air-column it is required to excite. Since the relationship with frequency is inverse in the case of mass, and direct in the case of stiffness, any increase in stiffness must be matched by an increase in mass (usually length) in order to preserve a matching resonant frequency.

As to the second problem, even Uncle Octavius (inds it impossible to give sensible advice without having the instrument in front of him, and without the answers to the many questions it raises. Perhaps members may be able to help, or to recommend someone who can.

A Case of Aural Harassment.
Could your “Pipers’ Problem Page” be retitled “Problem Pipers’ Page?” My landlord has recently acquired a set of “ullan HoofdraHESTEeetanshirane saal l pipes, with the result that domestic harmony (to say nothing of the musical variety) has been somewhat disturbed of late. My main problem appears to be an insufficient supply of blu-tek for plugging up the end of the drone, couple with the fact that Mr. Goddill has rather inconsistently made the bore too small for poking anything larger than a piece of spaghetti up it to act as a mute (which is not very satisfactory since the spaghetti goes soggy after a few days use). I never used to have this trouble with my landlord’s bassoon since almost anything can be dropped down the end of a bassoon and a pair of rugby socks made a most efficient mute. Do not misread me - I have no quarrel with the pipes, which I’m sure are a most melodious and mellifluous instrument in the right pair of hands; I am merely worried about my landlord’s health - how long can be withstand the barrage of insults (and greater items) hurled at him from across the living-room floor? Perhaps there is some medical operation which can separate a problem piper from his pipes - I hope you can give me some advice (or failing that, some consolation).
Yours worriedly,
Ann Noyd, Beeston, Notts.

This column receives a constant stream of letters and phone calls of similar substance, and I often wonder whether pipers as a type have something to learn in their choice of wife/partner/live-in lover. Or since the vast majority of pipers are male, perhaps the problem is that their, female partners exhibit to a greater extent than normal, the tendency of some women to fall in love with their men’s potential rather than with his present reality. In this case the relationship seems to be that of landlord and tenant, but if it is, how do they come to share the same living-room? Astute readers will have noticed many unanswered questions here. For instance, why should Ann want to blu-tak the drone? Is it too loud, or not in tune? Why cannot the ’landlord’ blu-tak his own drone, stick spaghetti up his own chanter, drop socks down his own bassoon? Why should she worry about her landlord’s health when the insults seem to be coming from her? Does the executioner worry about the health of the condemned men? Has Ann consided that spaghetti in a soggy state is likely to be a more efficient mute than in its raw state? In fact, why hasn’t she noticed this? Has she considered that dirty socks may be a more efficient mute than clean ones due to the increased density of air laden with smelly-sock molecules? Can a state of harmony ever be said to exist between landlord and tenant, and if it can, can such harmony properly be described as domestic? Quite frankly, I think that Ann has not been Frank (gaddit?) with us. As for surgical separation, I think this suggestion smacks no a little of panic every. You ask for advice and consolation, Ann, but I can’t help you unless you come clean. Come to think of it, have you asked yourself whether all this activity with pipes you complain of might not be what the psychologists call “displacement activity” or “sublimation”? Consider carefully before coming to any premature conclusions.

IMPORTANT NOTE to Organologists: with reference to using bagpipes for cooking spaghetti, compare the practice of rock-concert goers of ‘hard-boiling’ eggs by placing them directly in front of the speaker stacks. After a few hours of exposure to several kilowatts of acoustic energy, the eggs are nicely done in their shells, ready for eating on the way home.

The Deeper Mysteries.
At the recent-making workshop held in Milton Keynes in October 1986, I noticed that all the makers secured the 2 shaped blades of cane together with red thread of different gauges, prior to gluing them onto the staple. Is this absolutely necessary - or any less green thread? Stanley Wolff, Shadwell

You are clearly a highly evolved being, since the capacity for such sensitive discernment of the HIGHER SECRETS of reed-making is bestowed upon few. Your experience shows how things reveal themselves to us only when we are ready and fit to receive them, doesn’t it? You exquisitely developed intuition has shown you naturally that which THE MAKERS rarely reveal unasked, in fact, namely that the higher vibrations of the coloured thread affect the molecular structure of the cane at a deeper level than is apparent to those, shall we say, woven of coarser cloth. The colour RED was used by THE MAKERS, because it carries the lowest rate of vibration in the hierarchy and is less likely to represent a danger to the uninitiated. The aspirant must purify the dense matter of his being before he can bear the intensity of the vibrations of the higher Colours. It has also been shown to you that the thickness of the thread that binds must be matched to that which is bound. That you have already perceived the hue of the next colour in the hierarchy is truly uplifting; have patience, the CALL TO THE GREEN will come when you are ready for it. In the meantime you must be sure to continue to develop your Strength and Awareness. In the knowledge that great gifts carry with them great responsibility, the responsibility which will be required of you at the final step of TAKING ORANGE when you will be worthy to be privy to the company of the ineffable Swah Deva Himself, first among the Company of the Elders (so-called, as I am sure you know, not because of their great age, but because of their reverence for the Elder plant), in comparison with whom we are all but a broken reed and beyond whom we cannot on this plane aspire, until we go to the GREAT REED-MAKER in the sky. (Note: this last sentence is of a length of which even Bernard Levin would be proud).

THIS INSPIRING COMMUNICATION WINS THIS MONTH’S PRIZE FOR THE BEST LETTER. The Prize, consisting of the Ashes produced by the spontaneous combustion of Seven Reeds used and blessed by SWAH DEVA himself will as usual be sent to the Home for Indigent Gentleppers.

EIGHTEENTH CENTURY BAGPIPE - A DICTIONARY DEFINITION

BAGPIPE, a musical instrument of the wind kind, chiefly used in country places, especially in the north: it consists of three principal parts; the first a leathern bag, which blows up like a foot-ball, by means of a port-vent, or little tube, fitted to it, and stopped by a valve: the other part consists of three pipes or flutes, the first called the great pipe, or drone; and the second, the little one; which pass the wind out only at the bottom: the third has a reed, and is played by compressing the bag under the arm when full, and pouting or stopping the holes, which are eight, with the fingers. The little pipe is ordinarily a foot long; that played on, thirteen inches; and the portent six.

From “A new and Complete Dictionary of Arts and Sciences, extracted from the best authors, by a Society of Gentlemen, London, 1754.

I am grateful to Dr Maurice Byrne, editor of the Galpin Society Journal, for referring me to this dictionary.

JOHN GOODGORE

JACK MY HEDGEHOG by Dirk Campbell

A farmer whose wife had been childless for many years wished eventually for a “child of any kind at all, even though it were a hedgehog!” His wife soon gave birth to a child who was a boy from the waist down but a hedgehog from the waist up. The boy lay on a pile of straw behind the stove doing nothing except eating and sleeping until he was grown, when he unexpectedly asked his father to bring him a hogpie from the market, having received this gift, he went to the smith to have the hoops took about, and, much to the relief of his long-suffering parents, rode away on it to the forest to look after his father’s pigs and asses. There he flew up to the top of a tall tree and sat there year after year, playing on his pipes.

One day a king lost his way in the forest, and hearing the beautiful music of the pipes, sent his servant to see if the player could tell him who he was.

Jack My Hedgehog promised to oblige on the condition that the king would give him whatever first met him on his return home. The king did so, but failed to carry out his promise, since it was his daughter that ran out to him.

A second king got lost in the forest and brought Jack to show him the way home. Jack exacted the same promise from him, which he felt obliged honour, even though he and his daughter were understandably upset at the thought.

Unaware of the decisions of the two kings, Jack took his herd of pigs and asses home to his father, but the cock crowed and rode off to the first king’s castle, where the king had given orders that Jack was to be shot on sight. But Jack avoided the soldiers by flying over the walls into the palace. He confronted the king and his daughter and threatened both of them with death if he did not have his wish. Terrified, the king consented to the marriage. Jack and the princess left the town in the usual way, but after a few miles he stopped. Tears of all her life crowded her all over with his bristles and sent the poor girl home in disgrace.

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