Review: Les Cornemuses des George Sand

This edition is from our archives, so it is presented as scanned pages rather than text.

HURDY-GURDIES AND PUBLIC SAFETY—THE ALARMING FACTS EMERGE
by Julian Goodacre

Just how safe are hurdy-gurdies? For some time this question has worried the building and medical professions, but it appears that no research in Britain has been carried out in this field. In the light of the disaster at Aldershot, 11th September I feel it is time to press the government into setting up a well-funded enquiry.

The disaster to which I refer occurred at the Blowzabella weekend on Sunday 6th in the foyer of the Aldershot West End Arts Centre. At approximately 2.15pm a large portion of the bar collapsed. Fortunately the bar was closed, as its floor became a mass of broken glasses and bottles mixed with several gallons of spirits. It would be easy to dismiss this accident as unforeseeable—an Act of God—but I believe it was deliberate. For the previous forty hours there had been a variety of sessions in front of the bar—some of them involving up to fourteen hurdy-gurdies, all playing simultaneously. Shortly before this disaster there was a session with three hurdy-gurdies.

I am of the opinion that when two or more hurdy-gurdies employ their trumpettes simultaneously it can cause molecular realignment, which can seriously weaken masonry and other building materials. The greater the number of trumpettes, the greater the structural damage they can cause.

The French are looking this problem far more seriously than the British. Anyone who has been to the Festival at St. Chartier will see evidence of this. It must be the largest gathering of hurdy-gurdies in the world and the organisers have had the wisdom to run it as an outdoor event taking place in the grounds of an old Chateau. Even though it takes place outdoors the Chateau and its surrounding buildings have suffered considerably from the annual throng of molecular bombardment they receive from the hideous buzzing of several hundred hurdy-gurdies. During the last twelve months a portion of one of the towers collapsed and some segments of a parapet became so unsafe that they had to be removed. Portions of the outbuilding are now little more than ruins.

In the village square where much music and dancing takes place from midnight to sunrise the organisers have taken sensible precautions. Two of the dance floors have no walls and thus there is no fear of collapse. The third dance floor has a roof but no solid walls. To ensure that the roof and supports are under as little stress from molecular bombardment as possible the musicians’ platform is placed outside of the covered area.

I shall be pressing my local MP to take up this worrying matter in The House. An enquiry must be begun immediately. Interim guidelines should be issued to all players. Meanwhile I would beg all hurdy-gurdy players to be very sparing in their use of the trumpets and to take all sensible precautions.

Aside from the collapsing Bar Disaster the Blowzabella weekend was extremely enjoyable. Much praise must go to Paul James for programming the whole event. The only suggestion I have for next

year is that on the door of one of the rooms assigned for sleeping be placed a large sign reading: ‘THANK YOU FOR NOT SNORING’

I came across a fascinating item in an American catalogue recently. It’s called The Reedsual and it appears to be an expensive but valuable alternative to the Melton Keynes weekend. It all sounds too good to be true. The catalogue states: ‘The Reedsual makes and repairs all Oboe, English Horn, Bassoon and Bagpipe reeds. Reedsual repairs all sizes of single reeds up to 7 reformings. Reedsual cuts reeds out of blank or semifinished reed stock. Reedsual duplicates a model reed in all its exact proportions and playing qualities. Reedsual makes a reed softer or harder as desired. (Making a reed harder is done by trimming the reed tip until it is very lively hard and then putting a heavier cut on the slightly shortened reed.)’

Does anyone in the society have ‘hands-on’ experience of the Reedsual?

Many readers have been staggered that I have made no mention of Goodacre’s Eaze Pipe since February. Actually the whole matter has been sub-judice for the past seven months pending the outcome of an enquiry. It would appear that there is a police informant among the newsletter readership who grassed to Edinburgh Police Drugs Dept. that I was manufacturing hallucinogenic substances. On a fateful evening in March I answered a loud knock on my door and 15 swarthy Peace Officers burst into the kitchen and removed a large portion of its contents including half a bowl-full of Sharon’s finest Tapioca pudding. All the materials I had been using in my Eaze Pipe experiments were similarly confiscated after being placed in self-seal polythene bags.

I was fortunate that I had previously solved the mystery of the hallucinogenic side effects. It appears that the rye malt extract I had been using had been infected with ergot. This produces effects similar to Lysergic Acid. I had disposed of the entire infected batch shortly before the police raid.

I have written nine letters to the Times about this—none of which have been published. I am waiting for a police apology and the return of all Eaze Pipe ingredients, tapioca pudding, etc.

J.G.

The illustration to the right was sent in by anonymous donors (not quite anon.; they call themselves Cornamusements Inc.). Didn’t know where to put it so I thought I’d stick it here.

For those of you sick and tired of this Newsletter’s ‘tin’ jokes, an examination of Chaucer and Julian’s catalogue will reveal all.

Whoever you are Cornamusements Inc., please send more! It would make a great regular spot.

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The Bagpipe Society

Review: Les Cornemuses des George Sand